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I hope this'll be last time I'm swearing on my blog, but yeah. I won't give a fuck anymore. Not after tomorrow. Live and breathe every word of it. I think I've cared far too much for my own good; so far that I get hurt at the littlest of things, which portrays a petty image of me. Solution? To not give a fuck.

Proverbs 18:24 "A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

I just reached this verse on my brp today (yes I know I'm behind time) and I thought of you. After all, it was you who pointed out this verse to me, and back then I was all smiles. However now, I really have no clue as to what's going on, and why have we come to this stage. I could never have imagined. Now I'm starting to doubt that that verse is actually possible.. I know I shouldn't, but I really can't help doing so. If you're actually reading this post, can you enlighten me (though I doubt you'll be reading this)? Or do I have to bow down and start sourcing for answers on my own again..?

Had QT with julius today! :D Felt really great cos I feel I haven't been personal with God for quite some time already, and I'm really thankful for today to get back on track with Him (: Though we didn't really have much worship today, I could really feel myself breaking through many areas in my life heh. I feel so blessed to have leaders who love and care for me so much that'd they'd take time out for me despite their hectic schedules! Now, with my faith renewed, I feel excited to take on everything that comes my way, and also reaffirmed that no matter what I won't be alone.

Also, to really be viewed that way by my leaders is a privelege, and I'll definitely work towards it (: To better myself, I have to change! I just feel so motivated about my future walk. Yay (: Guess that's all folks!

Yeah, ironic as it sounds, it's change.

It's been 20 days since that whole confession fiesta, and I'm unable to decipher how I'm feeling still.. As mentioned in the previous post, I really suck at changing or adapting or doing something I never used to do. But I know they always say "to achieve something you've never gotten before, you gotta do something you've never done before". Sigh. Everything these days reminds me of you - the usual hangout spots, the nitty gritty things in life, church.. everything and anything. I daren't say that this is gonna be the end of us, and neither am I gonna openly declare that we still have a second chance, but I firmly believe that whatever that's gonna happen will happen in due course.

I know you must've hated me after I told you all those things; when your feelings weren't being reciprocated by mine, and also when I so abruptly told you all those hurtful things about how we weren't meant for each other and all. Still, I don't blame you if you really do think that way cos if I were in your shoes I'd be thinking, "Man, this guy certainly is an asshole; the hell is he thinking?" I don't deny that I'm not feeling better these days (even though I'm supposed to), but I definitely didn't regret my decision made back then. Now you must be thinking "okay I knew you were playing with me all along". To clarify that, I swear I've never toyed with your heart, and neither was it infatuation all along. Yes I was infatuated initially, but the feelings grew from there. They were manufactured over that long period and I really decided to give the whole relationship thing up because I felt it was the wisest option, that's all.

On the comforting side, you seem happier these days (correct me if I'm wrong). But if you really are happier, I sincerely congratulate you because I think you're on your way to a new path of your life, and of course to find a better soulmate. I'm pretty sure there're tons of guys out there who surpass me in terms of looks, physique, intellect, godliness, and the list goes on and on. I'd be doubly happy for you if you're able to find the right partner at that (:

However, I remember I told you our status back then was "good friends". At that point of time, I really meant those two words from the bottom of my heart - nothing more nothing less. But at this point in time, I really doubt we're even at that level, minus good. I don't know what went wrong, be it me or you, but I've lost far too many close friends in my life, and if I keep letting them slip away from me one by one, I may end up a hermit.. I do hope this is temporal and all, but if you really feel most comfortable this way, then be my guest cause I don't want you to not feel at ease.

And so, all my bros have already enlisted as of today, and here I am still stuck outside in the civilian world. Why am I not the one going to be confined? Why don't I get some temporal escapism from this cruel world filled with emotions - angst, jealousy, hatred? Sigh I guess I can only resign to my situation that I have right now. Who am I gonna pout or rant to? Adapt, adapt, adapt. Damn if you knew me well enough you'd know I suck at adapting. Nevertheless, I do hope these 3 weeks fly by so that I'll be able to see my bros and chill with them again.. Meanwhile, I'll be a tanker and tank these 21 days. Alright enough of my epiphanies, till then.

Somehow today was really eventful from chatting with my cousins cos they came over to my house to bainian followed by pool with my bros and then headed off to church for meeting and finally movie screening! Well I must say I didn't really expect much fun/meaning from the day other than pooling and chatting cos I thought I'd just dinner and leave after the meeting. However I'm so thankful I stayed to watch the movie 'courageous'. Though I started watching when the movie was screened halfway, I managed to grasp the overall plot (: But really, it's a touching and inspirational movie (especially if you're a male). I highly recommend every dude to watch it, cos it made me so inspired to take on life, and also to stay faithful until the last breath (yes there was kind of a part in that movie - though not last breath literally but figuratively). I think I need many dosages of such movies to really allow me to keep track of my purpose in life, if not I'll just forget what I set out to do within a span of several days. I saw some retweet stating that a level results would be released on 2nd march and I do hope it's true cos my BTT is on 1st march! D: So I'd be really at a loss if the dates clashed cos for one, I doubt I'd be able to take the test at ease and also I don't wanna report to school at a different time from the rest! Lastly, I decided to overrun my selfish self and take that brave step. I don't know how things would carry on from there, but I am quite sure this is what I should do and my heart's desire.

And yes, even if the odds do seem against you, know that He is there to help you overcome all odds, for He makes the impossible possible (:

Should I, or should I not? Well I definitely require a much needed break from all the hoo ha that's going on around here. In any case, I doubt you'd mean what you say anyway.