I really don't know why I screwed up so much that night. It's like I roughly know the reason why, but yet when I think harder it doesn't seem plausible. Why did I have to feel that way? Why did I have to behave like that in front of the vast majority? These questions are still left hanging.. I'm honestly super tired of chasing the answers already. All I just wish for is to stop feeling like that. It really isn't worth it. Being the wet blanket. Now certain individuals' perceptions of me would begin to change, and I'm quite certain of it. Still, I believe that it isn't the end yet. I have time remaining to prove myself. While everyone was having so much fun, there I was just feeling that particular inexplicable way. Sounds really stupid, but I shouldn't even be feeling that way in the first place. I made the decision, and I should abide by it. I think I'm still in the adaptation phase, whereby I'm still not used to certain things occurring. It's alright, I believe that in the time to come, I'll be so numb to all these I won't feel a thing anymore. And by then, I'll be ready to be myself again. I really hope I'll be able to find myself back, and kick this other polar side of me down the chute or something. It's like people would be kinda afraid if they see you high one moment and emo the next. Even to me it's kinda freaky. But it sucks cos when I'm tired + emo I just can't hold the emotions back. They're so strong they just overwhelm my facial muscles. My struggle to suppress them would be rendered useless in such circumstances. I just don't want a repeat of such occurrences anymore, but I've yet to find a cure. The only option is to trust the old adage: time would heal all wounds. The sight of you is like rubbing salt into wound. It hurts. But what is there to do? The answer is nothing. Just stay there and feel the pain, or get the hell outta there. I'd choose the latter, just for that short departure which may lessen the pain. Even if it's by abit, it's still better than nothing.
