a tinge of romance

get a move on it.

2012-02-12T00:28:00.001+08:00

I hope this'll be last time I'm swearing on my blog, but yeah. I won't give a fuck anymore. Not after tomorrow. Live and breathe every word of it. I think I've cared far too much for my own good; so far that I get hurt at the littlest of things, which portrays a petty image of me. Solution? To not give a fuck.

bros over hoes?

2012-02-09T01:02:00.001+08:00

Proverbs 18:24 "A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

I just reached this verse on my brp today (yes I know I'm behind time) and I thought of you. After all, it was you who pointed out this verse to me, and back then I was all smiles. However now, I really have no clue as to what's going on, and why have we come to this stage. I could never have imagined. Now I'm starting to doubt that that verse is actually possible.. I know I shouldn't, but I really can't help doing so. If you're actually reading this post, can you enlighten me (though I doubt you'll be reading this)? Or do I have to bow down and start sourcing for answers on my own again..?

the pillar

2012-02-08T01:45:00.003+08:00

Had QT with julius today! :D Felt really great cos I feel I haven't been personal with God for quite some time already, and I'm really thankful for today to get back on track with Him (: Though we didn't really have much worship today, I could really feel myself breaking through many areas in my life heh. I feel so blessed to have leaders who love and care for me so much that'd they'd take time out for me despite their hectic schedules! Now, with my faith renewed, I feel excited to take on everything that comes my way, and also reaffirmed that no matter what I won't be alone.

Also, to really be viewed that way by my leaders is a privelege, and I'll definitely work towards it (: To better myself, I have to change! I just feel so motivated about my future walk. Yay (: Guess that's all folks!

that sole constant

2012-02-04T00:24:00.002+08:00

Yeah, ironic as it sounds, it's change.

It's been 20 days since that whole confession fiesta, and I'm unable to decipher how I'm feeling still.. As mentioned in the previous post, I really suck at changing or adapting or doing something I never used to do. But I know they always say "to achieve something you've never gotten before, you gotta do something you've never done before". Sigh. Everything these days reminds me of you - the usual hangout spots, the nitty gritty things in life, church.. everything and anything. I daren't say that this is gonna be the end of us, and neither am I gonna openly declare that we still have a second chance, but I firmly believe that whatever that's gonna happen will happen in due course.

I know you must've hated me after I told you all those things; when your feelings weren't being reciprocated by mine, and also when I so abruptly told you all those hurtful things about how we weren't meant for each other and all. Still, I don't blame you if you really do think that way cos if I were in your shoes I'd be thinking, "Man, this guy certainly is an asshole; the hell is he thinking?" I don't deny that I'm not feeling better these days (even though I'm supposed to), but I definitely didn't regret my decision made back then. Now you must be thinking "okay I knew you were playing with me all along". To clarify that, I swear I've never toyed with your heart, and neither was it infatuation all along. Yes I was infatuated initially, but the feelings grew from there. They were manufactured over that long period and I really decided to give the whole relationship thing up because I felt it was the wisest option, that's all.

On the comforting side, you seem happier these days (correct me if I'm wrong). But if you really are happier, I sincerely congratulate you because I think you're on your way to a new path of your life, and of course to find a better soulmate. I'm pretty sure there're tons of guys out there who surpass me in terms of looks, physique, intellect, godliness, and the list goes on and on. I'd be doubly happy for you if you're able to find the right partner at that (:

However, I remember I told you our status back then was "good friends". At that point of time, I really meant those two words from the bottom of my heart - nothing more nothing less. But at this point in time, I really doubt we're even at that level, minus good. I don't know what went wrong, be it me or you, but I've lost far too many close friends in my life, and if I keep letting them slip away from me one by one, I may end up a hermit.. I do hope this is temporal and all, but if you really feel most comfortable this way, then be my guest cause I don't want you to not feel at ease.

emo nemo ):

2012-02-02T12:34:00.002+08:00

And so, all my bros have already enlisted as of today, and here I am still stuck outside in the civilian world. Why am I not the one going to be confined? Why don't I get some temporal escapism from this cruel world filled with emotions - angst, jealousy, hatred? Sigh I guess I can only resign to my situation that I have right now. Who am I gonna pout or rant to? Adapt, adapt, adapt. Damn if you knew me well enough you'd know I suck at adapting. Nevertheless, I do hope these 3 weeks fly by so that I'll be able to see my bros and chill with them again.. Meanwhile, I'll be a tanker and tank these 21 days. Alright enough of my epiphanies, till then.

courageous

2012-01-30T00:57:00.003+08:00

Somehow today was really eventful from chatting with my cousins cos they came over to my house to bainian followed by pool with my bros and then headed off to church for meeting and finally movie screening! Well I must say I didn't really expect much fun/meaning from the day other than pooling and chatting cos I thought I'd just dinner and leave after the meeting. However I'm so thankful I stayed to watch the movie 'courageous'. Though I started watching when the movie was screened halfway, I managed to grasp the overall plot (: But really, it's a touching and inspirational movie (especially if you're a male). I highly recommend every dude to watch it, cos it made me so inspired to take on life, and also to stay faithful until the last breath (yes there was kind of a part in that movie - though not last breath literally but figuratively). I think I need many dosages of such movies to really allow me to keep track of my purpose in life, if not I'll just forget what I set out to do within a span of several days. I saw some retweet stating that a level results would be released on 2nd march and I do hope it's true cos my BTT is on 1st march! D: So I'd be really at a loss if the dates clashed cos for one, I doubt I'd be able to take the test at ease and also I don't wanna report to school at a different time from the rest! Lastly, I decided to overrun my selfish self and take that brave step. I don't know how things would carry on from there, but I am quite sure this is what I should do and my heart's desire.

And yes, even if the odds do seem against you, know that He is there to help you overcome all odds, for He makes the impossible possible (:

the question.

2012-01-29T00:45:00.001+08:00

Should I, or should I not? Well I definitely require a much needed break from all the hoo ha that's going on around here. In any case, I doubt you'd mean what you say anyway.

What a blast (:

2012-01-27T03:00:00.003+08:00

Today was surprisingly exciting and eventful! Thought I'd be half-dead cos I was up throughout the night and barely had sleep before I realised I still had to go to malaysia to bai nian. Anyways we went to this really secluded kampong which gave me mixed feelings cos I really didn't know what to expect. However upon entering the house - laidback as it was - I felt that it had the homely and warm feeling! It was a feeling unlike any other house I've entered before! I then told myself I'd gladly give up my condo right here for that old fashioned yet sweet home O: Well the pics of the home are on my fb so you can check them out if you're interested! We then played with firecrackers (yes the exact same ones you saw in chinatown during the lights up), fireworks and sparkles (though the sparkles paled in comparison haha). I was engulfed in gunpowder ash after the whole thing and smelt charred but I was definitely happy ^^ It was really an eye-opener for me to see so many different kinds of fire thingos and the kampong lifestyle. Everyone's so friendly there! And their neighbours actually rear geese out in the open and no one actually steals them. Ohoh I was so tempted to ride the motorbike but after my cousin tompang-ed me I had second thoughts >< It was easy to start but once it got going it was kinda hard to manoveur (from the passenger's point of view of course). But I'm really glad it wasn't a self-fulfilling prophecy cos I was extremely sian during the journey there (partly cos I had no earpiece cos I expected myself to be catching up with my cousin and who knew my dad would split me up from him). Yup but now that it's all over I really appreciate the whole thing! I'm thankful my dad brought me there and of course for that family to actually spend so much to purchase those beautiful objects :D

what a way to begin the year

2012-01-25T03:13:00.001+08:00

I really feel that it has been a pretty bad start this year for me for several reasons. All I just wish for is for all the bad things to cease and the good to commence. It doesn't matter even if there aren't any good things; I just want the bad to stop. I don't know why things are turning out to be like this, but I hope somehow things would turn for the better..

hate feeling this way, but i really can't help it

2012-01-22T01:25:00.002+08:00

I really don't know why I screwed up so much that night. It's like I roughly know the reason why, but yet when I think harder it doesn't seem plausible. Why did I have to feel that way? Why did I have to behave like that in front of the vast majority? These questions are still left hanging.. I'm honestly super tired of chasing the answers already. All I just wish for is to stop feeling like that. It really isn't worth it. Being the wet blanket. Now certain individuals' perceptions of me would begin to change, and I'm quite certain of it. Still, I believe that it isn't the end yet. I have time remaining to prove myself. While everyone was having so much fun, there I was just feeling that particular inexplicable way. Sounds really stupid, but I shouldn't even be feeling that way in the first place. I made the decision, and I should abide by it. I think I'm still in the adaptation phase, whereby I'm still not used to certain things occurring. It's alright, I believe that in the time to come, I'll be so numb to all these I won't feel a thing anymore. And by then, I'll be ready to be myself again. I really hope I'll be able to find myself back, and kick this other polar side of me down the chute or something. It's like people would be kinda afraid if they see you high one moment and emo the next. Even to me it's kinda freaky. But it sucks cos when I'm tired + emo I just can't hold the emotions back. They're so strong they just overwhelm my facial muscles. My struggle to suppress them would be rendered useless in such circumstances. I just don't want a repeat of such occurrences anymore, but I've yet to find a cure. The only option is to trust the old adage: time would heal all wounds. The sight of you is like rubbing salt into wound. It hurts. But what is there to do? The answer is nothing. Just stay there and feel the pain, or get the hell outta there. I'd choose the latter, just for that short departure which may lessen the pain. Even if it's by abit, it's still better than nothing.

Chilling therapy makes me happy (:

2012-01-18T01:44:00.003+08:00

Just returned from 4o2 chalet today after a very happening two days! (: Kinda loitered the first day away by shopping for bbq items and bridging and watching Dr Oz LOL. Okay not that I was watching it but it was showing on TV (cos I heard from fred that it's for ladies only O:). Up next was Ellen gosh -.- Yeah so we had barbeque, booze followed by late night LAN in this really shitty centre. It was horrible. I think we waited more than we played! Still, it was simple yet fun (: Really loved the company and everything; and allowed me to obtain temporal escapism from society.

Following which wq dom fred my sy and yh came to my house today to swim and chill :D It's really been awhile since I last swam and I have to say it really felt so good (considering singapore felt like a sauna today)! So we did all the retarded things in the pool, then lay by the bbq pit by the pool for some awesome breeze (Y). Felt like we were staying in a resort when it was actually just below my house haha. To end off, I'd just like to say "great time, even greater company" (: Hope to see y'all soon man! :D

Rant it all out

2012-01-15T20:19:00.002+08:00

I just have this sudden strong urge to blog(or maybe rant). I really don't understand what I did to actually deserve what I'm going through now. I'm already trying so hard, pleasing you by buying back your favourite food, and all you do is leave it at the table untouched and give me attitude and all. I don't understand. Am I that bad in your eyes? Also, it's been awhile now since we last talked, and the last time I talked to you to ask you for pocket money you just ignored me and treated as if I wasn't there. You assumed I didn't need money cos I was working and thus could be independent. Well, guess you don't know what's going on in my life to know. I don't just need the money from work, but also the pocket money you give me for a greater cause. It definitely isn't for my own expenditure. I still don't wanna be the one to break the ice. If this cold war resumes, let it be. I'll find a way to adapt to it and still get what I desire.

Now, come to think of it, why did I even quit my job. Stressful, tiring and screwed up as it may be, it definitely beats staying at home and facing you guys daily. Plus, I would even be able to earn that extra buck as well. Nevertheless, I've already quit so I guess it's really pointless for me to say such things right now. But I guess, I just have to get this off my chest. I may just explode soon. It's really so hard to possess a genuine smile these days. Even more so when you have to fake it for others so that it wouldn't ruin anyone else's mood.

On a final note, if you think that you are having it worse off than me, think again. I'm only human. I have emotions too. Me not showing them doesn't mean that I'm alright. I think my facial muscles have just been too tired to portray how I feel and all. And I feel that this would be the best decision, so yup.

I'm just praying that everything would go well tonight and tomorrow so no one would view me as a failed organiser. Seriously. The expectations are so high that I can't afford any hiccups. I think I'm nearly at my wits end. But at the present situation, things seem to be fine. I really hope this would persist and that a heavy load would be lifted off my chest.

Toughen Up.

2012-01-14T00:48:00.003+08:00

Yesyes it's Friday the 13th. Thankfully today wasn't a bad day; just average mostly. Had awesome spicy ayam penyet with ben daohui and clarence and went to play street right after! Shagged out but had lots of fun and not to mention a great workout. Though it was rather depressing that I couldn't partake in the other activities that I was supposed to be present at :/

I needa keep psychoing myself that it's all gonna be good in the end and that if it's not good it ain't the end. But for how long can I sustain this mentality? And when that day eventually comes, would this even be the first thing I'd think of? Faith definitely is key but I'm having a severe lack of it (okay I know this is the nth time I'm saying this, but seriously). I really wonder what way is left for me to feel better.. Okay I think I roughly know the solution. I just needa find time to carry it out. Just hope that this week would pass quickly so I wouldn't have to worry so much about money matters. Never expected myself to value money with such importance, sigh. Alright guess that's all for now.

Getting it into place

2012-01-09T11:34:00.002+08:00

Yay signed up for BTT on saturday! So the test is on 1st march 2pm O: I really hope it doesn't clash with the A level results day :/ And nooo this means my march holiday would be after results are out D: I'm feeling it already! ): To add on, I've yet to find a new job which would grant me less and more flexible working hours.. The stuff I've to do are endless. Till now, cash is still king. Sigh.

USS (round two)

2012-01-06T23:13:00.001+08:00

Heh really glad I went USS today (though I kinda regretted it at the start :/)! Gosh though it was hot, the crowd was not as huge as the previous week and the company was awesome ^^ And YES I took battlestar galactica AGAIN ^^v I can never get enough of it seriously!! :D But the majority felt that human was scarier than cylon this they kept taking human ): And when the ride began (both coasters commence at the same time - COOL RIGHT!!) I looked to the left (which was the cylon) and thought to myself: gosh they're gonna have a better time than me ):

So we took the more thrilling rides again and again and before we knew it dusk came, and the security guards had to chase us out of USS ): Well, it was a really pretty sight with all the castles lighted up with hot pink lights ooh yeah :D Then headed down to Seah Im for some cheap and good food (: Budget!!! Oops I think I'm gonna get slapped cos budgetting for dinner and USS before that? Heehee but no regrets (: Yay :D

the end (almost)

2012-01-04T23:50:00.002+08:00

Gosh tomorrow's already my last day at work(in this place at least). I'll definitely miss many things :/ Mostly I'd miss the chefs who make life so interesting cos they're like as horny and ego as me ^^ (not forgetting vulgar whoops). They manage to bring a smile to my face all the time during work when every single other possible captain/manager screws my emotions up. Also, the Filipinos are damn funny like Glenn, Michael and Mark. Heh. They taught me tagalog (well only one word HAHA and it's obscene so i shan't say what it is :D). Still, I'll miss the times where I'll be pining for the 6:00 mark on the order screen so that I can order my drum without skin and cope the drinks (usually chinchow with something)! D:

And yes my secret mission - Zed El HAHAHAHA only one person would know this secret other than me :D I hope I can succeed tomorrow somehow! (: And just for information's sake, there's really tons of eyecandies out there while I'm waitering O: Afraid I may just trip and fall (for someone) while carrying a tray. KIDDING. They're like mostly eurasian or japanese soooo.. I don't go for interacial relationships hahahahahha. Ahwells I really need to start doing something productive soon >< AND I HAVEN'T SIGNED UP FOR BTT OMG I AM SERIOUSLY BEHIND TIME. Will do it asap. I shall sleep before 1 tonight and have energy tomorrow! Have to revert my sleep cycle back to normal already so that I'll have energy on friday! (: Yay USS can't waitttttt BATTLESTAR GALACTICAAAA OMG *DROOLS* Aight shall end off here!

my [our] song for this season: lighters: bad meets evil ft. bruno mars2012-01-03T00:20:00.000+08:00


[Bruno Mars]
This one's for you and me,living out our dreams
We're all right where we should be
Lift my arms out wide I open my eyes
And now all I wanna see
Is a sky full of lighters
A sky full of lighters

[Eminem]
By the time you hear this I will have already spiralled up
I would never do nothing to let you cowards fuck my world up
If I was you, I would duck, or get struck like lightening,
Fighters keep fighting, put your lighters up, point em' skyward uh
Had a dream I was king, I woke up, still king…
This rap game's nipple is mine for the milking,
Till nobody else even fucking feels me, till' it kills me
I swear to god I'll be the fucking illest in this music
There is or there ever will be, disagree?
Feel free, but from now on I'm refusing to ever give up
The only thing I ever gave up is using. No more excuses.
Excuse me if my head is too big for this building
And pardon me if I'm a cocky prick but you cocks are slick
Poppin shit on how you flipped ya life around, crock-of-shit
Who you dicks try to kid, flipped dick, you did the opposite
You stayed the same, cause cock backwards is still cock you pricks
I love it when I tell em shove it
Cause it wasn't that long ago when Marshall sat, luster lacked, flustered
Cuz he couldn't cut mustard, muster up nothing
Brain fuzzy, cause he's buzzin', woke up from that buzz
Now you wonder why he does it, how he does it
Wasn't cause he had buzzards circle around his headWaiting for him to drop dead, was it?
Or was it, cause them bitches wrote him off
Little hussy ass fusses, cause f-ck it, guess it doesn't matter now, does it
What difference it make?What it take to get it through your thick skulls
As if this aint some bullshit
People don't usually come back this way
From a place that was dark as I was in
Just to get to this place
Now let these words be like a switch blade to a haters rib cage
And let it be known from this day forwardI wanna just say thanks cause your hate is what gave me the strength
So let em bic's raise cause I came with 5'9 but I feel like I'm 6'8

[Bruno Mars]
This one's for you and me, living out our dreams
We're all right where we should be
Lift my arms out wide I open my eyes
And now all I wanna see
Is a sky full of lighters
A sky full of lighters[ 

[Royce Da 5'9"]
By the time you hear this I'll probably already be outtie
I advance like going from toting iron to going and buying 4 or 5 of the homies the iron man
AudiMy daddy told me slow down, boy, you goin to blow it
And I aint gotta stop the beat a minute
To tell Shady I love him the same way that he did Doctor Dre on the Chronic
Tell him how real he is or how high I am
Or how I would kill for him for him to know itI cried plenty tears, my daddy got a bad back
So it's only right that I right till he can march right into that post office and tell em to hang it up
Now his career's Lebron's jersey in 20 yearsI'll stop when I'm at the very top
You shitted on me on your way upIt's 'bout to be a scary drop
Cause what goes up must come down
You going down on something you don't wanna see like a hairy box
Every hour, happy hour now
Life is wacky now
Used to have to eat the cat to get the pussy
Now I'm just the cats meoww, ow
Classic now, always down for the catch weight likePacquiao
Ya'll are doomedI remember when T-Pain aint wanna work with me
My car starts itself, parks itself and autotunes
Cause now I'm in the AstonI went from having my city locked up
To getting treated like Kwame Kilpatrick
And now I'm fantastic
Compared to a weed high
And y'all niggas just gossipin' like bitcheson a radio and TV
See me, we fly
Y'all buggin out like Wendy Williams staring at a bee-hive
And how real is thatI remember signing my first deal and now I'm the second best I can deal with thatNow Bruno can show his ass, without the MTV awards gag

[Bruno Mars]
You and I know what it's like to be kicked down
Forced to fight
But tonight we're alright
So hold up your lights
Let it shine
Cause this one's for you and me, living out our dreams
We're all right where we should be
Lift my arms out wide
I open my eyes
And now all I wanna see
Is a sky full of lighters
A sky full of lighters

twenty twelve

2012-01-03T00:12:00.002+08:00

I know I haven't been updating in awhile, but it's cos I'm either busy gaming/hanging out or just doing random stuff which I can't remember offhand. And as of today, it's already the 10th day of Christmas. Wow how time flies. Okay for one I honestly see no point in commenting/lamenting about the adult fare cos 308240823 people are already talking about it and not like ranting about it would result in smrt revaluing (or more like devaluing) their transport fares.

Disclaimer: the upcoming paragraph is gonna get pretty boring so you can skip it if you feel like.

So, much has happened as of late. I guess my relationship with my family has been pretty strained over the course of this one week especially. Initially, I firmly believed that I was the one who was continually misunderstood and that I could only turn to my friends and none other. As time passed, I spent more time pondering (or some of you classify it as emoing), thinking about life and the recent ongoings. And I came to a conclusion that it was actually my fault all along. Well yes maybe at times my parents were at fault too, but the burden of it lied with me. Thus I've planned something to try to salvage whatever is left, before I actually enlist and regret all the actions I've made.

Alright I'm sorry I really had to post the above paragraph to make myself feel better (I hope).
ANYWAYS. I haven't exactly planned out my new year's resolutions yet but have a rough idea of what they are (: Also, I'm really wishing for a miracle come this Chinese New Year and that I would be able to get back what once belonged to me! I'm really wishing wanting and hoping (:

I realised that none of my post A's plans have actually taken effect, thanks to work and gaming which occupies like nearly my whole week :x But nevermind, I'm quitting after this week! (: So hopefully it means more free time (temporarily till I find a new job)! And thus able to do the stuff I wanna do!

I can't wait for USS this friday whee ~ (: I'm really hoping you(s) be able to make it so that the level of fun would be heightened! :D Will be praying hard for the previous sentence to come true :D Three more days of work to endure (with the stupid groupon back again ugh). I can do it! :D Afterall, the reward after work is extremely enticing and worth looking forward to (:

I guess that shall be all for the new year post (or maybe first half of it). Shall post more when I can think of it/have more stuff to say! (:

the special someone (:

2011-12-28T00:20:00.002+08:00

i know it's a bit late, but i shall dedicate this post to you (you know who you are :D)

i just wanted to thank you for that special christmas night with the awesome scenery, and also for your beautiful and perfect present (: really, you should've seen my face when i opened it haha. but yes thankyou so so so much for all the effort you put in (: sorry i don't really know what else to say, but since a picture paints a thousand words, i'll draw for you this: <3

purposeless?

2011-12-27T00:19:00.001+08:00

the christmas weekend was pretty eventful: comprising of happy events and also disappointments. well shan't elaborate on the latter. as for the joyful things, i'm really happy that you still joined me for service in the end, and that i believe something great is happening/will happen inside of you! (: also, as mentioned earlier, i'll do all that is within my might to get you saved (:

however, recently i've been feeling that there really hasn't been any main purpose for me these days.. i think i should start putting my post A's wishlist into action! yup i'll reduce the gaming and commence all the meaningful activities which would benefit myself and others in one way or another (: i believe this is the period which i would grow stronger in all aspects - be it physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually (:

so if you're dying to see, i guarantee there are angels around your vicinity

2011-12-24T01:51:00.003+08:00

work today was bad and good. well i shall post about the bad first. when i went to work halizah was telling me about how i told her i wasn't working on friday (today) when i clearly told her at least thrice that i wasn't gonna work on sunday. next, this effing bitch-oops i mean butch in my station kept asking me to not slack when i clearly was waiting for my captains' or supervisor's response. who do you think you are seriously? i totally hate being misunderstood, and dislike and have a phobia of homosexuals (or people will gender crises for that matter). you may call me insensitive, but that's how i am.

anyway, at 11 when work ended, julia was super nice! (: i really love her and feel so blessed to have her as a colleague! :D she offered to make for me bandung with chinchow and put it in a large cup! she even kept forcing me to eat the groupon half chicken haha which was insane cos i already had a serving of chicken! then she gave me some thigh meat cos i said i liked thigh meat (even though she liked it too!) i really hope i work the same shift as her for my remaining days at chatterbox! (:

lastly, i really hope janice is able to find a decent job for me! (: thankyou so much janice! (:

p.s. the days at work and life feel different without you around O: come back soon!!!

eventful eighteen (:

2011-12-23T01:24:00.002+08:00

wowww eighteen years flew by in a flash! guess i'll acknowledge all the people and everything that made the special day so wonderful! in chronological order.. dom, weiquan, andre, cedric and veronica for the pool, cedric for the krispy kreme from uk with the card inside! and also dv1 for the pokemon black (omgosh i totally didn't expect this, really thank you all so much and especially andre <3)! lastly i wanna thank dv1 (yet again) and all the other hogc people who didn't know me for creating the atmosphere! thankyou guys really (: also, not forgetting each and everyone of you who wrote on my wall/msned/twittered/texted me! thankyou all so much i really appreciated all your wishes! (: i feel so blessed to have known each and everyone of you for you guys have added colour into my life in various ways! alright i guess that's all, love y'all! :D

afterthought

2011-12-18T23:03:00.003+08:00

gosh, fifi's sermon today was totally unexpected! i mean it's like it totally caught me offguard. are these the answers i've been searching for since months ago? or have i actually already known that these were the answers but was just trying to run away? i think i more or less have an idea of what i should do, just that i think i need a little more time to consider my decision. i'm just afraid of regrets; that's why i've yet to take any sort of action, but just playing the waiting game. meanwhile i'll try to listen to You and if it tallies with my thoughts about the sermon today, i would be ready to come to a decision. maybe the answers today are what He wants to tell me, since i apparently can't hear Him much.. :/ i hope to bring this matter to a closure soon; my heart needs a break.

shit.

2011-12-18T00:20:00.003+08:00

i've come to realise, my whole effing life is in a mess. if it's not uncertain, it's bad. every aspect of it seems to be heading in the wrong direction. i swear, it's freaking hard to smile these days. i can't find any reason to smile. i may laugh, but that's just like within that moment. after that, i'm back to the old depressed self..

apparently it seemed i was in control, and had the ability to decide. but there are just like 4370487384624 factors to consider that i think only fate can determine the result. these days, i realise i'm living each day without any purpose too, other than trying to fulfil my bf through working. the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of me are all going haywire. i don't know if i've lost the ability to care, or i just don't give a shit anymore. either way, i know i'm tired. tired from everything. maybe i should have a short getaway huh? a little escapism may prove to be of some use, i hope.

still, i have to sit down and rationalise, hoping that my answers would simply drop from the sky. haha i wish. if only life's answers could be obtained that easily. all i can do now is hope that time would cure my everything (which is extremely naive), or that someone would come to save me from this seemingly bottomless abyss that i'm sinking into with each passing minute.

a thousand and one thoughts

2011-12-17T00:57:00.002+08:00

actually i just have two thoughts that are really prominent in my mind right now. maybe, the final two years of high school life that i thought were unmatchable, could've been on par with my two years in college. i think the sadness i felt after prom, knowing that the 2 (or 6) years are over, could really bring tears into my eyes. all the memories - orientation, cny, ct, gems, and finally prom. all of these just over in a flash. all the friendships that i've made and the bonds that i've forged.. from here on, how many of us are actually going to even keep in contact? would any even bother to make the effort to? needless to say, i was unable to attend the overnight stay at conrad with my classmates ): guess i'm the unlucky one this time.

still, prom was really awesome! (: though i didn't eat the last two courses cos i was busy camwhoring with anybody i knew, it was really fruitful cos it's like the last time some of us would be seeing each other already :/ now, each time i look at a photo with someone i know in it, all the memories(mostly good ones) of me and that individual would just flood my mind..

and my second thought is, one really big dilemma. i'm like really hesitating. i don't know if i should take the step of faith and really care for someone who treats me really well despite the way i am and the fact that i haven't really cared much for that person before. but it seems that that person is really quite depressed.. guess this is what happens when it's in your character to look at every possible result from each scenario :/

n

2011-12-16T16:47:00.001+08:00

i don't know i've like a gazillion thoughts in my head right now. shall post them later after i'm back from work; hope they don't get lost in my brain somewhere..

jittery

2011-12-12T00:46:00.002+08:00

wheeee exciting exciting can't wait for later tonight! :D it's finally hereeee all that insane retail therapy and massive trying-ons.. it's gonna pay off! (: c'mon now all that's left is the hairdo D: i'm still unsure if i should cut or not! ): stupid dilemmas :/ okay i shall come to a decision by afternoon tomorrow (by hook or by crook)! and let's pray that everything would look good come 6.30pm later! (: goshhhhhhhhh excitedddddd ahhhhhh i'm getting super high woooooo~

simple, but happy

2011-12-09T20:50:00.001+08:00

so here i am talking about how post As life has been so far. well i should say, nothing fantastic or extraordinary, but just me, shopping, socialising, and gaming. sounds pretty much boring eh? yeah i guess to most it would be, but this wouldn't last much longer cos work starts next week! :S happy cos i can finally start earning for bf and sad cos this means less time to slack! ): well i think i should really start planning how i'm gonna spend this ultra long break and do certain meaningful things which would aid everyone including myself in one way or another. that aside, i can't wait for feb cos thatms when i really can spend money the way i used to (not splurge) but just not scrimp every dollar and cent. i'm really thankful too for the many people that have been placed in my life - to those of you you know who you are; no further elaboration is required :D you guys stuck with me through thick and thin and even when my life hit an all-time low. i just wanna express my gratitude to you guys for i don't know where i'd be if not for you guys (:

on another note, it's finally my favourite season :D i can't believe it's finally here! it seemed like eons ago at the start of the year but yes, it really is here (: and if you don't know, i'm still dreaming of a white christmas as always, but i believe it'll come soon :D all good things come to those who wait (: and i've gotten almost everything for prom and super happy cos it looks good in my opinion (and that's all that matters) though i'm really sorry for being such a spendthrift ): this will really be the only time i splurge, and no more! you guys know me best right? after all you've been with me for 18 years and you guys know shopping was never my thing! though i'm really pining for a dslr now but i doubt i'll get it anytime soon.. ): maybe i should work for it instead :/

lastly, i guess i shall stop privatising my blog and open it up, cos there's really nothing much to hide (though i didn't alter any of my posts; but i doubt many would visit my blog already). guess that's all for now ^^

have a good look at yourself

2011-12-08T11:03:00.001+08:00

alright i know how inappropriate it is to bitch about someone here, but it's really just to express my thoughts and feelings about this particular person. basically, i don't know if you're trying to be nice or what, but everytime we meet you make it seem as if we have been bros for ages. i mean like i barely knew you and you're acting all buddy with me already. plus, this is the part which ticks or ticked me off the most. you are seriously in no position to teach me how to behave and what i should or should not do. i've heard so much shit about you even before i knew you. and when i finally realised we were in the same house i was like omg. worst of all, you started trying to get close to me and saying crap that should be somewhere at the back of your tongue. anyway, just take a good look in the mirror, and start from there. it'll do the world some good. thank you very much. just my random ramblings.

happiness is key

2011-12-08T00:46:00.001+08:00

i realise at this point in time, i should try my best to quit feeling depressed/emo and start looking at things positively! (: in every situation, no matter how bleak; there is always this speck of light. today's retail therapy was exceptionally satisfying :D thanks mom and dad for giving me so much cash to shop even though i don't deserve it at all ): but i really love my promclothes and i know it'll be awesome when next monday arrives (: and yes, i gotta bear in mind that the glass is always half full. will make an effort from now on to think that way (:

mind over heart

2011-12-05T23:53:00.001+08:00

yeah i believe i don't have the capacity to do it. it's really gonna be effing tough for me to sustain everything. i really have to make a sound decision.

my penny's worth

2011-12-04T21:35:00.001+08:00

i guess this is the best avenue for me to release all my thoughts and feelings. recently i realise there's something in me that's changing; or maybe it's just my mindset. somehow i can just bring myself to harden my heart without being much affected by it. it's screaming inside of me, yet i just have to contain it. it's painful, but necessary i guess, until further notice. i really don't know if what i'm doing is right or not, but i guess this time i just have to follow my moral code which prohibits me from doing so. on one hand, when i really get down to do it, it's a piece of cake and i can feel nothing about it. but when the time really comes, i just feel the massive weight of my heart and nothing i can do about it, but just pour out to someone. should i really continue trying to guard my heart or just ignore everything else and let nature take its course? and yes you may wanna ask how i'm feeling now. the truthful answer is even i myself do not know. it's really all coming back to me. i never even expected things to turn out this way (or maybe i did). i should've heeded your advice when you told me so, and it wouldn't have even reached this stage whereby i've to get myself out of this or through this. yes i know the best way out is through, but by going through it i'll be undergoing tons of dilemmas and things which i may regret doing. i really wonder when this matter is coming to an end, cos it's on and off and on and off in this vicious cycle. it's taking me on an emotional rollercoaster ride which i really wanna get off. either on or off, not both please. just freaking made the hardest decision in my life. would it backfire or garner me an answer which i want to hear? somehow i just know this current person isn't me. but if i don't take on another persona, the hurt's gonna just get deeper and everyone may eventually have scars which would never heal. so while the cut is just on the surface, it's best to resolve everything. maybe, when a certain amount of time has passed, and i feel differently about myself and the things i can do, then there may be a change. but for now in my confused state, i doubt a rational decision would be possible. time shall tell.

time to say goodbye

2011-08-11T16:25:00.002+08:00

hello my loyal blog readers! i'm so sorry that this has to be so sudden, but yes this would be the last post i'd make before i officially stop blogging till 1 dec 2011 (after my last A level paper). i'd really like to thank ms soh for the chitchat today which has actually sorted out my thoughts and made me realise how badly i actually wanted to do well for A levels. she allowed me to put all my thoughts into action, an area which i had severely lacked in before. everything i wanted was in my head, be it ambitions and even fear. however, i did not put them into action and just let them rot away, living each day as it passes. today's gonna be different, and i know it. well i've deactivated facebook too so please don't try finding me there. yup i may turn into a lifeless dog now but i guess it's all for the greater good. well if you really wanna tell me anything you could always sms/email me! all of you reading this definitely have my contact details haha. till then, ciao! (:

priorities

2011-08-11T01:52:00.003+08:00

i realise i've no choice but to become a lifeless mugger dog, in a bid for my A's and also so that i'd be able to go for services every week, as it's the only thing that's fuelling my existence right now. i don't wanna slack abit here and there and in the end not be able to attend services. i can't imagine one week without attending service, honestly. it'd be life worse than death. that said, i'll be attending friday's service with dr kim and i really can't wait! it's gonna be exciting (: come on aloy i'm sure you'll be able to fork out at least 20 hours of mugging each week. 20 out of 148 ain't too big a deal right? yeah man with Him all things are possible. He'll be able to multiply my time and allow me to complete tutorials and supplementary exercises asap.

on another note, i guess i'm feeling much much better now, and i really wanna say a very big thankyou to all those who've been there for me (: eg mingyang kimberly rachael benedict yewchoong yuhan :D love you guys lots lots! <333

alrighty still have school tomorrow, shall end this post here! let today be a better day ^^

blackholes and revelations

2011-08-10T02:39:00.002+08:00

hahah yesterday kinda incited interest in me with regards to astronomy astrophysics and the like! beautiful nebulae and invisible black holes and stars made up of gas. wow. i'm seriously gonna look more into this after A's. sigh, everything is AFTER A'S goshhhhh ):

a bloody monday

2011-08-08T23:41:00.002+08:00

ndp celebrations is supposed to be a good thing right? well yes i did have fun during the celebrations. but the bio extra lesson that was after totally killed my mood to do anything due to the tests and the supplementary worksheets that had to be completed the night before. after bio, i went for jts. just as i thought the day would get better, i had a lesson learnt. just to satisfy the showoff side of me, i decided to break. however, since i used to much strength, the ball deflected out of the table and smashed a glass panel on the door. definitely, i have to pay the reparations. seriously, fml. and what was i thinking?

another mundane monday

2011-08-08T01:03:00.002+08:00

the sense of urgency is kicking in, and yes I've so little time but so many things to do. really sad that I can't meet you on tuesday, but at least we had an enjoyable chat (: I really hope you are destined to be mine, and none other. kinda excited for later, except for the stupid bio extra lesson. sucks max. must thank xuejun and clarence for the encouragement and that I've a motivational wallpaper now and am definitely working towards my goals. greatest takeaway from service today - RESILIENCE. ain't gonna give up. especially not now

practicality

2011-08-06T01:35:00.002+08:00

i should be asleep now, but my mind's been runnning wild :/ there are many times in which i wish i was apathetic to the things occurring around me. but honestly, it's really hard to turn a blind eye. why can't i just view occurrences at face value and not attempt to link why they're formed in the first place? this strong sense of insecurity is really shaking me up. i feel so fragile on the inside. is everyone around me wearing a mask they would eventually pull off when the time is ripe, to elminate me once and for all, when they've amassed all their hatred? these are really the questions i'm asking myself now, though to most people these might be deemed ridiculous. still, in such an unpredictable world, there's really no knowing what could happen tomorrow.

emotions aside, my efficiency has risen (: however, sad to say, i did not stick to my pact and accessed facebook on thursday night. sigh undetermined me. but kudos for surviving it from monday morning to thursday evening. i believe with more training, i'd be able to get better at this. the to-do list is shortening, leaving me more time for revision. but due to this long break, it has been lengthened by quite abit. i'm hanging in there.

pain is temporary, results are forever. bear what you want in mind, all the time.

awesome altruistic author (:

2011-08-04T00:54:00.003+08:00

haha I'm kinda excited for later! though I'm dreading the first 2 hours of school.. still, the later part is gonna be quite fun! (:

well, it's nearing the weekends and I just wish they'd come faster so I don't have to endure this week anymore!

oh and I hope you'll be free next week :D can't wait for this long weekend (:

e is for efficiency

2011-08-03T02:56:00.002+08:00

well yes I've deleted dota, but apparently I've still been wasting time and not being able to do extra revision.. however, thankfully at the start of the week i've made a pact with myself to use facebook once a week. phew, it sure is hard. but till today I'm surviving! I haven't touched it since monday morning cos he desperately wanted to see mr cheong's pic so I just facebooked for that sole purpose. by right I should've checked facebook for the nth time now given normal circumstances. but I haven't! it's hard, really. but I hope to keep this up till friday night as it really is wasting my time. don't give up aloy.

confounded yet consoled

2011-08-01T22:19:00.002+08:00

okay the former first. yesterday I chanced upon something that maybe wasn't meant for my eyes - I don't know. ostracized. wow. the last time I saw that word was eons ago. and to think the next time I'd see it, it's used on myself. now I finally understand why pastor says life isn't about finding the right answers, but asking the right questions. I totally agree. however, on the other hand, I feel slightly better to know that my gut feeling had been right all along, sadly. but thanks beverly for giving me this one chance. I really appreciate it (: I really treasured what we had back then, and I hope it would revert back to normal, though I know after a wound is healed a scar would be left there. nevertheless, a scar looks better than a bleeding wound for sure.

today, while searching for my ini, I saw something that kinda brightened my day, and confirmed my thoughts that there are actually nice girls in the class. my worksheet stated 'be happy'. the handwriting was so outstanding. it could be none other than my awesome dance partner (: well, normally if anyone else in the class were to write that for me, I'd deem it straight away as a cynical remark. but this one felt really sincere. I could just feel it. really, thankyou lydia (: I'm honestly very sorry for what troubles I've caused for you but i'm really thankful you didn't take anything to heart.

on another note, my illness has spanned over 3 weeks. am I dying soon or what?

finally, is it normal to think about the person you love everyday? or am I just weird? I hope it's normal :/

time is ticking

2011-07-31T23:22:00.002+08:00

i just realised how tight time is. i can't waste anymore time, really. be it for studies, relationships, church, anything and everything. i can't think of anyone who's less prepared than me and i really have to start being more efficient.

on another note, i hope you're alright, though i don't really dare give you encouragement in fear of what happened last week. i believe your family would change and start to be more considerate towards you, and that you'll be able to join us for future cg and fellowship after services (:

why'd you trip me? now i've fallen for you.

two's a company, three's a crowd

2011-07-31T01:25:00.002+08:00

I felt kinda sad today, cos you only spoke one sentence to me. I don't know if I did anything wrong, whether you wanted peace or you were pissed. I really hope it's the former, and that you would text me asap or at worst things would revert back to normal the next time I saw you ): even as a friend, my heart can't take it anymore. I know I'm confused. I know I don't know who I love. but I definitely don't wanna lose such a nice and funny friend. please let all these be my wild thoughts and hypotheses. I really don't wanna lose anymore friends, especially you. though we don't really know each other that much, I'm pretty sure there's a potential strong bond between us and I wish it would only grow stronger. my heart can't take anymore emotional setbacks already.. please don't let me lose hope in being nice and a loving person. that's all I ask for..

regret?

2011-07-29T23:33:00.001+08:00

love aside, i could still show care and concern for you right?

hope i ain't taking it too far..

at least tell me/give me hints that i'm doing the right thing! D:

cease the confusion

2011-07-29T00:36:00.001+08:00

no, please, stop bringing more people in. honestly. i only have one heart.

reminiscence

2011-07-26T21:23:00.003+08:00

today i decided to blog for what i'm feeling so strongly for. i dare not say i am perfect; but do i have that many flaws? from my point of view, it seems that individuals (especially those of the opposite gender) are able to detest/dislike me so much. am i really that bad? cos even i can't see reason why that many people should feel that way of me. definitely, i'm feeling this way cos those who feel that way matter to me. to make things worse, some of them were even super close to me in the beginning. what exactly happened? really, there are countless people - mt, m, lz, zc, bc, and the list goes on and on and on... the change in attitude is extremely massive. i totally cannot comprehend. to make matters worse, i'm a sentimental individual who always remember all the good things that happen, but i also have this tendency to etch the bad ones in my brain. thus, i'm able to see the great disparity, which hurts me deeply. well, nothing much i could do about it also, if only i never knew so many people from the start huh. if only girls were as easy to understand as guys, things would've been much easier to handle. i really hope it's just me thinking too much; but that hope is little.

appreciation (:

2011-07-24T23:00:00.002+08:00

you really made my day today (: and proved me wrong totally! i'm really so sorry to have the wrong impression of you, all due to my petty self. i'm so so sorry ): but i'm really glad that we talked today and for everything that happened today (: i know you're thankful for me and i'm really thankful for you too (: i hope our friendship would progress way further! thankyou for motivating me and keeping me on track (: yup i just wanna thank you for all that you did today (:

p.s. though i know you won't be seeing this, still i will post this in remembrance of all you've done and how i was wrong about you :/

following expected trends

2011-07-23T01:41:00.002+08:00

and so, you might've guessed. i'm BUUUS-ted. the B should have been the only shock. it's time to work wonders and manipulate these bullcrap into potential good grades. how am i gonna exactly do it? i still don't know. so far it's just these three letters - mug. until further notice, i shall constantly revise something each day to ensure that i'll be a little more prepared each time. rough timetable should be out soon. i hope.

BUSted

2011-07-21T17:26:00.001+08:00

sigh. guess i'm gonna have to meet the dean again, for the 2nd time this year. and i still remember guaranteeing her 100% i won't meet her again. 1 MORE MARK OMG. seriously. why is this happening? ): if only i had that one mark.. at least things wouldn't be THIS bad. and recently i've been having this incessant flu. sigh it's killing me. why's my nose so sensitive anyway? the weather's so hot so i can't wear a shirt either if not i'll melt to death! okay time to do some mugging. cya

yet another dilemma

2011-07-20T22:59:00.001+08:00

these few days, i've been trying to sleep early. well i've no problem falling asleep early. however, apparently it's harder for me to wake up in the morning, and to stay awake during lectures and tutorials! this feeling sucks. on one hand i feel like resting more but on the other, it's screwing up my school life. sigh i really don't know what i should do.

a feeling unlike anything ever before

2011-07-17T22:44:00.003+08:00

i must say i totally didn't regret going for service today - not like i ever regret going for services - as today was special, unlike any other. academic excellence weekend was totally insane! the praise and worship were awesome as usual, but what really drove me crazy was a particular testimony. yes i must agree that the first and last testimonies were very powerful, but they didn't really speak to me as i was not in that circumstance and thus could not relate to their kind of situation. however, after listening to jiehui's testimony, i was totally taken aback as it was the exact situation i was in - like literally! (except that my grades were a little lower :/) but i just really felt so so impacted, and pastor's sermon really spoke directly to me too. there really are those times whereby you wanna prove to others that your lousy results aren't due to you coming for services, and as such, i'm gonna work doubly hard to prove those cynics wrong. it even disappoints me to see that some of them are believers themselves. but nevertheless, their faith does not concern me. all i just want them to see is that i'm able to do well in church and school, and not church but not school.

a little more about her testimony that really shook me! now that i'm thinking about it, it's really crazy how her life and mine are so similar! though i didn't really pon lectures or sleep much in class, i copied tutorials just so that i could hand them in as well. and both of us are taking BCME! okay hear this - she's currently reading law and that's what i wanna do too! gosh i mean how similar can it get?! somehow i feel that this is how He wants to motivate me, by showing me her testimony which is the exact same situation which i am in now.

today has confirmed my motivation, and that i'm gonna work towards what i wrote on the AE card, and it won't be just for show, like how it used to be for anything i set my mind on. this time, it'll be different. i promise. i won't be letting anyone down, especially myself and all the teachers who cared so much and sacrificed so much for me. i'm gonna show the world i can do this, and nothing's gonna stop me.

EAT TOUCH KONG

2011-07-17T00:40:00.002+08:00

hahaha i didn't regret going for today (: was really super awesome with the two imba kias (alvin and hk) teaching me how to play mahjong! though i didn't win much, i still managed to win! :D gosh i'm like super addicted now D: and i'm gonna train hahaha to be one of the best du3 shen2s out there! hehehe now there's an added incentive to go to alvin's house! cos it's freaking in woodlands!!! yup that's all for today (:

taken for granted

2011-07-15T00:01:00.002+08:00

i know we love people and try to show our concern because those are what we truly wanna do. however, this being said, there are times whereby you just feel that your actions just can't go unappreciated. it's like others who usually don't do much just offer a small gesture and you're there talking as if you've struck lottery, whereas for those who frequently greatly encourage and show genuine concern for others, you just make it seem as if it's part and parcel of your daily life. i'm not asking for recognition, neither am i doing any of this for recognition. i just hope that what i've done is not unappreciated and thought to be 'what i ought to do'. now i see the advantages of being an introvert.

picking up the momentum

2011-07-13T21:44:00.002+08:00

today was a tiring yet awesome day! started out the day with usual lectures and tutorials, but during ct session we had scholarship talks by various organisations! i was supposed to go for the astar and nus one, but i realised that astar was near impossible and so i decided to go for the ntu one for the first session! well they talked about starting a new medical school in 2013, but personally, i feel that this wouldn't hold a candle to the yong loo lin school of medicine and if people actually end up there, it'd be cos they're left with no other choice and really have a passion for medicine. well i feel super paiseh cos i heard that MAS was giving out this free speaker and i(being this kiasu singaporean), rushed to the booth to find one speaker remaining on the table. the lady representing MAS was talking to a group of students and benedict and cedric urged me to just take it and zao. haha after slight hesitation, i went forward, took it and hurriedly left. oops i felt super bad >< and yay i feel damn good i've finally bought the bio and chem past year prelim papers! sadly the bio one has no answers and thus i've to look for ms soh for them O:

after school, the hwachong hogc peeps went to meet xuejun for htht! it was an awesome experience i tell you. through this, i feel so much more encouraged to do what i wanna do, and i'm not gonna let people say that i'm all talk and no action again. i'm keeping the faith that i'll eventually achieve what i set out to do. the vision of me and benedict drumming and strumming side by side is seriously super motivating - i can't wait!!! :D after a levels all this would be put forth into action! i'm gonna prove to all those who thought i was just an experienced crapper with totally no substance. just watch and wait. i believe there are many out there who on one hand look as if they're approving that i can do it but deep down they're thinking "haha please this guy'll never make it". it's about time i get started. it's about time i turn that passion into action. i'll show you guys what i can achieve.

lastly, i just wanted to say that after taking the block tests, i've disappointed tons of people, and of which includes my dearest ms tan, ms soh and mdm ng. they've put in 1000% to prepare me for my bt2s but i just thrown their efforts down the drain in my shitty results that would be released soon. i know i should feel more disappointed in myself cos of the results that are to come, but i'm too used to this feeling of being disappointed in myself that my tutors are the ones that i feel most indebted to. thank God for prelims. this time round, i swear i'm gonna give it my all. no more disappointments, and i'm gonna study so hard and accept any grade that comes my way. aloysius, there isn't much time left. around 60 days to prelims, and less than 120 days to A levels. it's time to show the world what you're made up of and what you can do. jiayou (:

life's never fair

2011-07-12T01:00:00.002+08:00

i started the day with so much resolve to complete math and chem, but to no avail. sigh why is it that when i'm so determined to do something, obstacles come as if they're free flowing? and when i attempt the tutorial i get stumped before i reach even half of it -.- think my foundation is really damn weak, and it's time to polish it up somehow. ohwell, gonna purchase the rainbow series soon and start doing. i recently have this newfound motivation to do well, after sitting through my tuitions. it's a good feeling i guess (: unlike any other. praying that this'll last. till the big A's.

i'd lie here with you, and just forget the world.

2011-07-06T21:05:00.003+08:00

sheesh. it's the end of blocks, but i'm really far from relieved. how could anyone like me be relieved when the results anticipated would be sure to leave me dumbfounded? though this has strengthened my resolve to work harder, it doesn't neglect the fact that i'm really not in a favourable position for the upcoming prelims and A's.

really needa work much much harder, only 125 days left. can't afford to slack like i used to, and my motivation and perseverance really needs to be taken up to another notch. how can i dare to think of entering a relationship when i can't even take care of myself properly -.- i'm gonna work hard and then maybe i might be able to consider. no one wants a dumb and ugly guy to be their boyfriend anyway. i shall just wait patiently, fulfill my role as a student, and then, just maybe, things would go my way.

sheer stupidity

2011-07-04T01:39:00.001+08:00

eff it man. i swear i'm damn dumb seriously -.- i just let the golden opportunity slip by. but i really hope that when God closes this one door, He'll open many more and that i'd be open to many more chances. i have to stop getting so easily agitated, and in this case with myself. sigh i really hope i think twice before every action from now. i can't afford to make any more mistakes.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

2011-07-03T02:36:00.002+08:00

first and foremost, i would like to say today's service was seriously the best one in my entire life as a Christian! (: i really never had such a service which had impacted me to this extent and the unbelievably strong presence of God gosh. describing it as awesome would be severe understatement in this case.

on the other hand, i've learnt not to take things for granted, and that i should treasure certain things when i have them. these days, due to the toll of stress, disappointments and emotions, my faith has been threatened and really very fragile. even the most neutral of scenarios seem negative, and i'm easily annoyed as well :/ i kinda hardened my resolve to keep keeping the faith no matter what, and not to give up. i've come thus far, and i'm definitely not letting all my effort go to naught. would you just give me this one chance to prove my worth? i promise you i won't be like the previous one; possessing such indifference. hopefully my sincerity would touch your heart and you'd realise what you've been missing out on all this time.

faith is really the most important keyword. i really don't know what i'd do without it. maybe i'd just give up the time when you said those things. but somewhat, somehow, i've pressed on and till this day, am still fighting for it. please just give me this one chance, and that's all i ask for. but if we really weren't meant to be, then that's okay. as long as you're happy, i will be too.

heartache.

2011-06-15T02:21:00.002+08:00

i'm missing you already. just hope for these few days to fly by, and hope my mugging would be productive. what a pointless trip, with my mind constantly on the shitload i have to mug while i'm outside sigh. if only i was back there where i was..

on another note, i can't wait for friday when i'll be back, and also the weekends, anticipating much! i sincerely wish i can reduce the peakless mountain to a molehill.. i'm gonna keep the faith, and pray that all would go well and end well.

perseverance

2011-05-31T23:22:00.003+08:00

i think i've come to a conclusion. no matter how hard it gets, i'm just gonna keep trying; exhausting every method possible. regardless of the outcome, i'll be comforted to have gave it my best shot. all i can hope for would be that the results are in my favour.

the downward slope

2011-05-30T00:01:00.002+08:00

i don't know. i don't know anymore. what exactly should i do and when should i do it? sigh. please, please, please let things get better, my heart can't take it anymore.. are you losing steam already? if only i knew.

i'm just hoping things would get better. this feeling just sucks totally.

a total loser

2011-05-27T00:25:00.003+08:00

the past few days, things haven't really been going too well. it's like i felt my chances were high at the start, but as the days passed, it just kept dropping and now i can safely say it's at an all-time low. i really don't know why this is happening, and i'm starting to doubt myself even more than before. well, i could simply just not do anything but most likely regret for the rest of my life, or take action and maybe fail, but at least i did try.

it's one of these cases where the heart is willing but the mind isn't. all possible situations are appearing in my head, placing me in this endless dilemma. would it really be the right choice to do so? i really hope things would get better from today onwards.. i'm keeping the faith. now i know why everyone always emphasises the importance of faith. apparently, without faith, everything is impossible.

i'm really hoping hard that everything would go well and end well. that's all i ask for.

and the space in my heart, now it's slowly tearing me apart

2011-05-09T22:41:00.002+08:00

even as i stop to ponder
i really cannot help but wonder
how i've fallen for you
and the feeling just so true

wish and wished it'd go away
but it's so hard to keep it at bay
i could never take you off my mind
it seemed as if you were just behind

as time passed i felt the urge
it had caused my blood to surge
sigh if only you knew
just how much i love you

constant yearning

2011-04-28T22:50:00.002+08:00

how i wish feelings were easily suppressible, then things would be easier that way. hate to admit it, but i think i really can't live without you :/

caught offguard

2011-04-12T22:53:00.003+08:00

purely out of curiosity, i chanced upon something i should not have seen. or maybe it was intended for my eyes - i do not know. it has come to this stage whereby i have to agree with everything you said. i really guess it's retribution for being slack and producing substandard work, while waiting for others to clean up my mess. i should have seen this coming, but another part of me thought i could have gotten away by having hardworking group members. i was wrong. what i'd seen on friday was not a stroke of misfortune, but fate. i brought it upon myself. the moment i decided not to take things seriously, the maximum grade was already guaranteed. my group could only take me that far; while the rest of the journey lay in my hands. and me, being my usual slack self, let the opportunity fly by by not putting enough effort throughout the whole period and being easily satisfied. i guess this is what they mean by every action has its consequence. this is probably my just desserts. no one to blame. no one, but myself. if i don't buck up now, it won't just be that one subject, but the five more to come. without a doubt, at five times the magnitude. i think this should really be the best wake up call, if not i can safely say i'm screwed.

seeing how she blamed herself.. i really do not know how to react. i don't even know how to feel. angry cos she was insensitive? or empathising cos she placed what was supposed to be entirely my fault on herself too. all i can say is that what has happened was solely my fault, and no one else. my group did what they could to ensure i did not get lower than a B, which i should actually be thankful for, if not i might be the only one in the school getting a C or something lower. i can't imagine. i guess i should be thankful for what i have and not feel sorrow or regret for what i didn't, cos even if i feel that way the letter would not change. it's already determined. so now, i guess there's only one thing left to do.

on the right track?

2011-03-17T00:51:00.002+08:00

i just felt this sudden urge to blog. i really don't know if i should do certain things; it's like i'm taking this risk that they'll eventually total up to nothing at all. thankfully i believe in the saying: better regret trying than have regret not attempting at all.

right, so i've found my answer. thanks to my true self. sorry this sounds so much like a monologue but i really just wanted to state my thoughts and feelings. hmm guess i shouldn't give up and try all the way. after all, i'd rather regret trying than just sitting on the sidelines watching the opportunity fly by.

need you now;

2011-02-28T23:08:00.000+08:00

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind;
for me it happens all the time

contemplation.

2011-02-23T20:25:00.000+08:00

what exactly are my chances? :/

optimism

2011-01-24T21:42:00.003+08:00

i believe if we face each brand new day knowing that the glass is half full, depression would cease to exist in our dictonaries (:

even if doubts are still present, we must remember that the top half of the glass is not empty, but filled with air, and therefore we should all the more stay positive ^^

nulled fate.

2011-01-11T20:48:00.000+08:00

please tell me things aren't the way i make them out to be. ):

war

2011-01-03T00:51:00.003+08:00

sigh today (yesterday) felt like the whole world was against me. haih.

better left unexplained

2010-12-29T18:36:00.002+08:00

it's already been two and a half years, and yet i still haven't gotten a substantial answer. i really don't know whether the problem lies with me or you, but i had no chance of finding out. from best friends to foes - like how's that possible? but yeah it did happen. apparently you don't have any reason.

well if you really hate me to the core till you delete me as a friend off your fb and keep rejecting my adds, why haven't you blocked me on msn? they just don't make any sense. i guess there's no point harping on this bullcrap anymore cos the fact is that it's impossible for us to be friends again. so i think i shall stop wondering about the reason that caused all this and let's remain status quo. i presume the cold war would resume and i'm ready for it.

.'tis the season of smiling! (:

2010-12-25T03:09:00.002+08:00

gosh christmas is finally here! it's like really i swear plus guarantee and chop the best season/day/period in the year ever! :D idk why i love christmas so much but yupp! all the lights and trees and logcakes :D:D really i wonder when i'll ever get a white christmas heh.

anyway MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!! :D:D

damn lag.

2010-12-23T23:42:00.001+08:00

mm and finally i know who i can trust :D really shoulda realised it earlier, but better late than never!

sexy seventeenth! :D

2010-12-22T23:05:00.002+08:00

hahahaha four words: today was totally awesome! :D:D

happy birthday me! ><

thankyou everyone for all the wishes! <3

troublesome testosterone

2010-12-19T22:48:00.000+08:00

it was but just a dream

thankyou aston! (:

2010-12-10T18:41:00.003+08:00

hahaha i decided to craft a blogpost specially for you :D thankss for letting me have something to anticipate this end of year holidays and making my dream come true! (: i really don't know what i'd do if not for you :/ anyway i really just wanted to say a very big thankyou for all you've done brother! (:

blond to brunette (:

2010-12-07T01:49:00.003+08:00

it's december alreadyyyyy gosh O:

anyways rapunzel was really very nice :D even if you aren't a big fan of animated movies i would still recommend it cos i ain't one either! (:

sighhh all the fats are already piling up ): need to do more exercise other than training D: and still haven't completed homework omgosh, let alone started studying :/ i need my discipline ><.

you and you.

2010-12-01T15:53:00.001+08:00

screw all the bloody effing retards in my life.

reality (or virtuality?)

2010-11-26T00:21:00.004+08:00

trainings and com games are filling up my life D:

saving up money for something so expensive is just hard, especially during the holidays ): can't go out as often as before already..

hmm and yes please hope my appeal succeeds (: pretty please?

zzz

2010-11-25T00:35:00.001+08:00

the boredom is killing me ): jio me for anything pleaseeeee

such audacity.

2010-11-23T23:55:00.002+08:00

that phrase you said just made me realise it is impossible for us to be friends.

why was i so stupid to even try not hating you?

hairy pawter

2010-11-23T00:09:00.002+08:00

hmm it was so-so lor, like not much action leh :/

i think the part 2 would be more epic O: at least there'll be more jets of green light! O: (i'm not a sadist ><)

well can't wait for tomorrow! :D (later today)

tata~

uphill

2010-11-22T00:17:00.000+08:00

i believe that, from here on, things would only get better (=

unexpected

2010-11-21T01:29:00.001+08:00

gosh, the strangest thing just happened! :D

UNBELIEVABLE

2010-11-19T19:17:00.002+08:00

SHAG.

coach praised me twice today, and i chua tio o.o like honestly. but it made me realise how tough rugby training could be O:

slept like 1+ hour during the "mugging session" >< too tired already luh. how to mug? at least did abit of bio for consolation :/

hmm and due date was damn funny luh HAHA. me dan and yh laughed our asses off :D

this is but the commencement, and i'm already faltering
would i be able to overcome it, or succumb to it?

integrated humanities;

2010-11-18T10:48:00.004+08:00

it all feels so empty;

let time pass quickly please ):

and please please please please let it succeed ): don't wanna be separated next year ):

all i can do now is to wish upon a star.

nostalgia.

2010-11-15T00:01:00.003+08:00

really sometimes, somethings just stir up past memories and all you feel like doing is just to cry

experiencing that a great deal these days :/ especially when you don't really have much on your mind, and these are the things you can keep on thinking about

sigh oh how i miss those times, and really hope to relive them again. but i guess it's impossible to turn back the clock..

then again, should i forget these memories? or just leave them there and feel depressed each and every time?

bored;

2010-11-13T01:11:00.004+08:00

ohman haha this is weird but i'm damn bored of games now :/

maybe i should turn to kdrama instead from now on O:

today is full of mixed feelings :S feeling happy yet sad ):

please let time flyyyyyy~

PEE DOUBLEYEW BAI BAI

2010-11-12T02:03:00.003+08:00

whoaaa liberation! :D

feels impossible to believe, but sigh there's still bio later

haha fac outing today was not bad! food was good and so was the company :D

alright shagged out shall go sleep now!

oh pee.

2010-11-10T22:45:00.004+08:00

it's finally here, it's tomorrow.

keep your composure aloysius, stay focused and everything will go just fine

try to crap your way around the question if you have no idea what the assessor is shitting about

all in all, jiayou aloysius, you can do it! (:

anticipation;

2010-11-10T02:08:00.004+08:00

yay memorised like 85% of script already ^^

going to ss3 with yuping! :D but alot of $$$ ): but still i can't wait hehe! (:

time to save up! less lan O: quite hard actually XD

i'm the hand that you need till you land at your own destiny; reach out for me (:

vampire;

2010-11-09T00:25:00.003+08:00

it's 3 days away, and i'm down with flu -.-

i&r finally complete. gah i don't really give a damn anymore i did all i could :/

time to start memorising my script O:

today was not too bad (:

for greater things have yet to come, for greater things are still to be done in this city :D

whoa. i realised my smileys are from bad to better O: (okay this line ruined it but ohwell)

please flu please go away ): don't stay and ruin my op sighh.

sigh

2010-11-07T23:56:00.002+08:00

what a disappointing day ):

on the other hand i&r feels damn screwed and shitty, oh please don't pull me down i&r..

hmm yet another season without silverware? maybe.

i won't disappoint tomorrow. i hope.

2010-11-07T01:33:00.002+08:00

sigh can finally use the com after my sis got off -.-

on another note, i realised, that as time passes, people's interests of you tend to decrease and eventually fade away. they might have claimed both of you were best friends, but ultimately, time will tell.

all this nostalgia is just killing me. can we revert things back to the way they were?

nostalgia

2010-11-05T20:22:00.002+08:00

guess i have to accept everything that comes my way.

every action has its consequence.

up till now, i'm still reminiscing each and every bit i had with you. but are you too?

if only feelings could be disposed, then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

2010-11-03T22:02:00.002+08:00

It's the tumultuous times that bring us closer. Closer than ever.

Please don't do this to me, no definitely not now.

On another note, OP's going okayish so far (:
Just needa look less sleepy and more enthusiastic (gosh is that really how i normally look? D:)

Okay I&R time :/

2010-11-02T01:02:00.001+08:00

Honestly, if you've got the balls, quit being a two-face and tell me straight in my face.

2010-11-01T22:07:00.001+08:00

Please give me the strength and the courage, to stay positive regardless of situations and circumstances. Really, that is all i would ask for. All in a bid to light up my life. (:

2010-10-28T01:27:00.002+08:00

haha really don't know what to blog these days, but people are telling me my blog's damn dead, so here i am! (:

please grant me immunity to negative comments and remarks, so i won't feel so depressed and whatnot anymore. i think what's wrong is that i need to use more of my eyes and less of my ears. if i can perfect that, my life would not be so miserable anymore.

sigh and on a tired note, ran like 9 rounds including sprinting and some random shit :/ in the end my calf cramped in the toilet omg. so lao pui ): thank goodness i could move and pretend to take my shoe while sitting on the toilet floor when some random guy came in -.- haih this means i'm gonna have to limp omg. siannn fitness really damn cui now D: need some determination to improve! okay gosh super late already shall stop here!